by Onion / Earth First! Newswire
A heroic bear, acting in self-defense, attacked and killed a member of the US army who had stolen their land for the purpose of military training. The 30-year-old soldier, and another who received minor injuries, were practicing murdering techniques at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson (named after a mass-murderer who helped to colonize Hawaii and another who helped do the same in Alaska, and was used as a Japanese Internment Camp during World War II) when the bear protected their cubs and mauled the soldiers.
The bear later returned to the camp and was sprayed with bear spray, causing them to retreat and live to fight another day. According to the Alaskan wildlife department, the bear disappeared into the great unknown with their cubs and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. No communique was found.
The deceased soldier had received numerous awards for being good at killing and displacing the people of Afghanistan.